We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
