we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
