i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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