Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
