So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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