Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
