I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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