like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
