you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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