It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
