It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
