Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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