meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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