We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
