I cannot find my penis.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
