They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
