im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
