My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Someone came in the potted fern
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
