my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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