Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Randomize
