Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
