I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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