living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Drake has all the answers
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
