Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
