Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
The chlamydia really affected his face.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
