i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
