Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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