he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
