Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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