Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
