is your mom at the bar?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
