Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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