My boss' voice literally gives me gas
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
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