I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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