dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
