I think my fart just growled at me.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
