got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
this boner is exhausting
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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