As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
