I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
