we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
My life is pants optional.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
