woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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