I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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