Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
