Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
