Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
