Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
