Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
