I'm gonna have a badass scar
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
