Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
