It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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